Wednesday, July 16, 2003

the life and times of the sleep deprived

okay, so, admittedly, i am not functioning at full brain capacity today. and even when i am, i will always find something by mark morford in the sfgate morning fix amusing. but today, the combination of sleep deprivation and this little summary of a news story about newly discovered oil fields in iran very nearly had me in convulsions:

Whoa Whoops No No Totally Kidding About The Oil Thing
Iran has discovered three new giant oil fields with estimated reserves of 38 billion barrels. Abolhasan Khamoushi, director of Iran's Oil Development and Engineering Company, said that the new fields were discovered near the port city of Bushehr in southern Iran. Upon hearing the news, Dick Cheney, who was just finishing a meal consisting of the lightly breaded intestines of small Bangladeshi children, raw kitten parts, and fried yams, did a nice spit-take of wine, wiped his mouth with his bib of baby seal skin, and quickly shuffled off to Rumsfeld's dungeon to discuss just how badly the Iranian people desperately needed some badass US-style "liberation." Iran, realizing its mistake, immediately issued a new press release to clarify its findings. "Crude oil? Did we say crude oil? No no no no no. *Baby* oil. *That's* what it is! Big huge fields of it! Totally useless to big American warmongering nation except for treatment of rough skin! No crude oil at all here! Just happy innocent bunnies and piles of yucky sand and by the way it smells really bad here too! Totally stinky! Hot and stinky and gross and dirty you *so* don't want to come here! Everybody has mysterious contagious rash too by the way yes! Very itchy and scabby and icky like pus! Plus we have really bad cable! 'Sopranos' three seasons old! Avoid! Psst we hear Venezuela is very very nice this time of year and is totally overflowing with much crude oil! All ready for bombin'! Just FYI!"


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