totally and completely bumming right now

so brian and rory were supposed to be getting on a plane right about now to go to california, and i was going to join them on friday. and up until 5:30 this morning, we still thought the trip was a 'go' despite rory having thrown up several times yesterday morning. she'd pretty much recovered and was back to her usual smiley energetic self by yesterday afternoon. but then-this morning. apple juice. barf. plain bread. barf. water. barf. so we called it off.

i know, i know, nobody really knew we were coming out (aside from our families). we didn't tell anyone that wasn't related to us (with 2 exceptions) because the sole purpose of the trip was for rory and her great-grandparents to spend some time together and we didn't think we would have time to see all the folks we wanted to while we were there.

the worst part is that for the longest time, i've had this sneaky intuition-ish feeling that this was going to be the last time i would see my grandpa alive. i mean, the guy is 101 years old, and everytime i see him it might be the last, but i just couldn't shake the feeling. spending time with him has become much more precious now that i can't just drive a few hours to see him. not being able to see him in person and have him see rory is the biggest bummer of this situation and it hit me hard when i was driving to work this morning-i almost broke down and started crying in the car on the ledyard bridge. i truthfully wasn't sure i would be able to make it through the work day, but i seem to be holding it together and it's taking every ounce of strength i have left. it will be much worse tonight when i him tonight to break the news.

i think i need a soak in hot bath and a dirty vodka martini tonight.